Childcare.  Did any of us ever really stop to think just how much we relied upon it?  The night we realised there was no longer anyone to take care of our 15 month and 3 year old was one of the most stressful I can remember.  We had no idea what we would do. The maths simply didn’t add up. My husband and I each normally do a 10 plus hour working day. And now we had to look after the kids too. So that’s 10 working + 10 childcare + eating, sleeping, cleaning, shopping….err.

We quickly entered the denial phase. Surely there must be a way.  This couldn’t last. There had to be someone who could help. And we realised just as quickly that we were being crazy.   Then there was the anger phase which brought a red-misted vacuum of common sense.  The business would have to stop. I’d lose everything I’d worked so hard to build. Rant, rave, panic, panic, panic!!!!! Bargaining followed. If only we had a granny flat or a live-in-nanny. If only the kids were a bit older. If only we could have been furloughed. If only, if only. But the grass is rarely truly greener, and we had our own reality to face.

And so we finally entered the place where we are now…pivoting somewhere between depression and acceptance. Some days we feel like we can cope. Others the overwhelm washes over us and everything feels too hard. But ultimately we’ve found a path.  Splitting our days into shifts - me getting up at sparrows fart o’clock, and Nick working until the kids’ bedtime - plus more work after dinner and at weekends (more shifts), means we’re just about maintaining enough productivity to get us through. 

It’s worked now for 5 and a bit weeks, although we’re bloody knackered.  I’m sitting writing this on a Sunday while the kids watch a movie.  And I’ll work late every night this week, on top of 7 hours’ work and 7 hours’ childcare.  There’s no downtime.  The house is not clean.  Our clothes are un-ironed.  And I’ve completely lost any sense of my own personal maintenance…hairy legs, caterpillar brows, and frizzy hair are the new black right?

It’s been especially hard on the kids.  Keeping the business going has effectively meant putting it, my third baby, before them.  I don’t see them in the mornings and, when I’m on childcare duty in the afternoons, I’m all too often checking my laptop and phone to make sure there’s nothing urgent I need to deal with.  We realised just how hard when our eldest’s behaviour took a turn for the worse. So far we’ve had 3 deliberate knicker wettings (she looked me in the eye as she did it!), 1 self-haircut (think Pat Sharp circa 1988), several crayoned walls (thank god for wipe clean emulsion), and many full blown tantrums (thank god for wine).  The day when I had to shut her in her bedroom screaming, when she wouldn’t nap and I needed to spend another hour working, was an all time low.

But despite everything we’re ok. We’re safe and well. We have enough to eat, and my husband still has an income.  None of our family is ill and we can still see them all online.  And most of all, we’ve benefitted hugely from more time spent together as a family.  We’ve learned so much about our wonderful children and they about us.  Behaviour has eventually normalised.  I’ve been teaching our eldest to read, we make up stories together, and she spontaneously tells me that she loves me…definitely a new development.  And my husband has bonded with the baby properly for the first time since she was born…she now reaches for him over me which we both love.

So all of this is to say hang on in there.  It’s hard but it’s manageable...most of the time.  As long as you’re putting food on the table, and your children are safe and loved, that’s really all that matters.  Embrace the good days, and don’t feel guilty about the bad. It’s ok to feel as if your life sucks…even if you know there are many others out there in a worse situation than you. You can only live your reality and if that’s too much for you right now that’s ok. Hug your kids. Cry when you need to. Ask for help. And emerge on the other side even stronger than you were before.